getting caught up

so it's been a long time since I've last wrote on here! alot has happened, so let me catch up!
  well in April the day before Easter brice and i went in to our 2nd transfer and we found out 10 days after that, that we were PREGNANT!!!! we couldn't believe it.... we were actually pregnant... i had a baby inside my belly!!!! i cried so hard Brice's dad that the test results were neg.! i was shaking, my legs felt like jello.... it was the most amazing feeling I've ever felt!!!!
  so after Brice knew i went to tell all the rest of the family! i wanted to tell them all in person! this was awesome news and wanted to see their expression!!! me and mom cried like babies ,my dad cried it was one emotional day!
   so the following week had to get more blood work done to make sure the baby was growing! and my first HCG level was pretty high so when i went back, i was just as nervous that it hadn't doubled, we weren't out of the woods just yet!!! so walked down that long lonely hallway again.... and it had almost tripled!!! again i was on cloud nine!!! i was so happy and still couldn't believe it!!! i was PREGNANT!
     so from that test it would be 3 weeks before we would go  back to OKC and get hear the heartbeat! in those 3 weeks, i was eating like crazy, i wasn't ever getting full... and was tired some not too bed though. i would just look at brice during the day and say... " can you believe it? " it was so surreal to me.... i began wondering what the nursery would look like... started looking up girl bedding, cause i already had the boy bedding picked out! my dearest friend mindee came to town to celebrate... her and amanda both! we went and ate supper with our hubbies .... and i was excited to be the D.D!!! :) life was so wonderful!
      then the appt was here!!! it was gonna be a awesome day!!! we spent the night at kemmy's and her grandson's were there, and wanted to feel the "baby".... it almost made me cry!!! i have waited so long for this...even though it was way to early... this sweet boy wanted to feel his cousin!!! wow! how little things like that make it so amazing!
      that morning woke up so tired..... didn't sleep at all! when i did fall asleep it was for a short while and woke up praying..... i prayed so hard for this baby! got up and got around... my appt was at 8:30 couldn't eat breakfast my nervous were awful! brice was so happy and so gitty! me... i was so nervous! i was super excited but deep down was afraid of something going wrong!
      so dr. craig comes in and is bubbly as always, happy for us and couldn't wait to see that heartbeat!
as soon as she got to looking for the heartbeat i could tell something wasn't right! she wasn't smiling anymore... and the room felt cold!
  so she shut everything down and took a pic of the baby.... and looked at me! that's when i lost it!!!! i knew, i just knew that it wasn't what we were wanting to hear!!!!
   she said that the heartbeat was hard to count and that she wasn't happy with the size of the baby! but.... that she wasn't holding out for hope! that she has seen small babies, and that as long as the baby doubles is size and the heartbeat gets stronger with every visit.... it should be ok! she said she wouldn't give me hope if she didn't think there was anything else to do ! she said to go home and have our families pray really hard.... and that was all she had to say... i completly lost it! thank gosh brice was there to listen to her cause i was crying so hard i have no idea what else was said! THAT'S THE LAST THING YOU WANNA HEAR FROM YOUR DR! GO HOME AND PRAY!!!!!!! i got to the car and shut down.... strared out the window and woldn't talk about nothing! i just wanted to be home in my bed! instead a long 4 hr ride home first! yuck!
      made it home and we both went straight to bed! (maybe if i woke up it would have been just a bad, bad dream!!! ) our families were upset.... i was putting on my brave front... and no one was buying it! but it was what i had to do at the time!
    so for one long,long week we all praied and hoped for the best!!! it was an awful week.... i was still eating like a horse but never got sick! which had me worried... most people are sick when they're pregnant... why aren't i?
  the day that we have been waiting for was finally here.... dr craig looked at the screen and didn't even have to measure much! she knew just by looking at the baby.... that it hadn't changed any!
   here come the water works again.... but trying to hold my composure as much as possible! i just wanted out of there! i hate to see pitty on someones face when all you wanna do is scream and get mad!!! why? why get pregnant, just to get it taken away.... i was so angry and hurt! it was like someone was yanking my heart out of my chest! and yet again another 4 hr drive home...... ugh!
  got home and was feeling somewhat better! i think i had kind of prepared myself for this... cause our luck sucks!!! i think everyone was shocked at how well i was handling it... again my brave front came to play! i just hate the pitty and the sadness... so i play strong and i will melt down alone or with brice!
   now i had to stop all meds, and i choice to let my body get rid of it on it's own ! she said after i stop the shots that i would have a cycle shortly after that! one week to the day i started my period! it was one a Tuesday... i was planning on going in that afternoon, but there was no way! if i stood up i had to go straight to the bathroom and change my pad... it was super heavy! i was having a miscarriage .
 so after all the joy and love brice and i had felt 3 weeks earlier was gone.....now we were feeling sadness and pain! how quickly life can change! through it all i never lost sight of God... i was angry and had questions but i think that's normal! i never blamed God or doubted him! i know that he has a plan for us and it's worth all of this to find out what it will be!! i know one day it will happen for us and because of  HIM not the IVF or the dr's but because of GOD!!!

GOD IS AN AWSOME GOD!!

well today has been an awsome day! much better than the day before... let me explain! dr.craig was worried that i wouldn't be ready for egg retrival until monday or tuesday. so i was a little upset cause i was hoping for saturday. but oh well... so i though ti was over it all until my mom called and she was asking all the questions and she comented that i sounded really down! and then i lost it. i broke all the way down and sobbed like i haven't in a very long time. i was asking God to help me and that i needed him to do something... i didn't know how much of this i could take! so i pulled myself together and went into target had a little more christmas shopping to do,and my phone rings... it was connie and she knew that i was gonna have to order more meds and she said that a lady had donated a Gonal-f pen and wanted to know if i wanted it!!! YES YES YES!!! is all i could say! i was so happy and grateful to the sweet lady and the Good Lord! he had showed me right there that he was watching over me and helping me and he blessed me with that pen! i couldn't wait to share with everyone had God had blessed me! so my spritits were lifted,i couldn't wait to go back to the dr.on friday and see how much my eggs had grown.
 
so today i had my appt. with dr. craig. i was excited but a little nervous,that i wouldn't hear what i wanted to hear. so she began mearsuring my eggs and they weren't 18 yet but... they had grown some more. she counted about 9 eggs that she thought would harvest today if,she took them out. she said that the other ones that are measuring around 9-10's they need one more day to grow and she thought that they would have a better day on harvesting.!!!! so she thought monday was still on ! so i still take my shots tonight and tomorrow but then that's it!!!! yay i have been waiting for her to say that this whole week! after everyone left the room i jumped around and acted like a child on christmas day! what a blessing!!!! so now brice will here tonight and we can spend the weekend together. and wait for monday! can't wait to see him! i miss him like crazy! thank you Lord for all the blessings you've given me! i love you and praise you!!! God bless

sleep over

went shopping today with aunt kembrly. it was fun and sad all in the same. i am on a pretty tight budget this year so, i didn't get to do a lot of shopping today! but i am one that love i mean loves to shop. and since i've been doing this IVF the whole idea of saving for our baby is a much greater high! and i do believe that you do get a high when you love to shop. :) anyways,it really hasn't bothered me that i can't go shopping. but,when i have been to target i find myself going through the baby section,and oh my gosh!!! the little girl stuff is so cute! and all the little blankets,toys and the socks oh my! it's gonna be so much fun i can not wait.
tomorrow is another day at the clinic. i really pray that my eggs have been growing! i should have to order one more pen tomorrow and i really  hope that's it! so i guess we'll see. going to spend the night with my friend from high school tomorrow ! i'm super excited it's gonna be a little weird. the last time i spent the night with her was when we were senoirs ! and man to we have stories. she has been a wonderful friend. she has stuck by me through a lot of drama. she's always the one that i call when i need someone to give me some great advice (other than brice) she's been by my side through all this IVF she even helped me find a dr. in OKC! so tomorrow night we will have a good time and she will be apart of the shots,she's gonna have to give them to me! I'm so happy that after 10 yrs since we graduated we;re still close! love ya P !
God bless

just another day

well just another day at the clinic really. i was really hopeing that my eggs were doubled in size,we they weren't. dr. craig did say that my utres looked really good and that i have plenty of eggs just the size isn't where it needs to be. so we are planning on taking my eggs on saturday the 19th. i really hope that it stays,i need for this part to be over. i need to move past this . she thinks that i will stop taking the shots on thursday so that's good,not that the shots have bothered me at all,it's just i hate to spend any more money of meds. i've spent an EXTRA 1400 just on this one pen. so i really hope we are getting close to be done with that.
 things have been going good here in OKC though,havne't really gotten home sick. i think maybe everyone gets used to something and it become routine maybe, and i have made a routine for myself. get up and go to the clinic come home and unless kemmy has something for us to do i really don't do much. which is not like me,at home i'm always doing something... laundry,cooking cleaning or at work. it's really been nice to go take a hot bath when i'm ready and write in my journal and call it a day. it's been almost 100 % stress free. and the stress part has been me just worring about money or meds. it's been nice to visit and hang out with his family. this has really brought us closer.:) so tuesday i should know more i hope it's all good news! God bless!

grow eggs grow!

lets see where i left off... went to the dr. on thursday and she said that my eggs are measuring an 8 and she wants them to be an 18! so that means more shots,yuck. but whatever it takes!!! but she said that she would see me on sunday so the first thought was.... i'm going home for a couple of days. so i loaded up a few things and headed down the road. it was nice to be home. even though i did a little cleaning it was nice. went to work,and made my booth rent. i was happy! i hate it when i feel like i'm not pulling my weight,brice didn't want me to go in,one he didn't want me to be stressed about anything and two,he was afraid i would catch something and get sick, but i needed to get out of the house and do something!
brice had the job of being my nurse the 2 days i was home. lets just say he did a good job but, you have to understand his aunt is an RN and has been the one giving me my shots. so i know how it's supposed to feel and brice was nervous and a first timmer. i don't think i could do it at all! i know that he did his best! but i'm glad to be back with his aunt tonight!! i really pray that tomorrow at the clinic goes great! i need my eggs to be bigger and i hope that they have some sort of time frame on the egg retrival!
 i'm really greatful that these hormone shots haven't given me any side effects. i have had headaches but no emontional rolle coaster. i really thought that i would be feeling happy then sad and then mad all in the same moment. but nothing like that at all! i do feel sad when i left home but i'm pretty emontional to begin with! my nurse did say that the men say that the wifes have mood swings. but i guess brice is lucky that i haven't been around him and hasn;t had to say weither or not if i'v had mood swings!! :) this whole process has gone so smoothly that i have to believe that it's meant to be! between the place to stay and the timing and how quickly it all went! it's been a blessing that everything has just fallen into place. i really have such a good feeling about it all! i know that God walking with us and making it all possible.
   God bless

updates

so... i guess i forgot my password to my blog. so now i'm gonna to catch everyone up to what all has been going on in our crazy world. so just to recap brice and i are going through IVF in OKC. we started it all on Nov. 12th,and now it's Dec.9th and i've been doing my stomach shots since friday the 4th.

The shots have really been pretty easy, much to my surprise!! thank goodness,i have a fear of needles,i wasn't so excited about the whole idea. but you gotta do what you gotta do!! So brice's aunt came back to perryton with us from OKC and so she was around to give me my first shot on friday. So since i started my period i was so tired and achy wasn't feeling good at all i took a nap whn i got home and tried not to think about the whole shot bussines. So around 8:00 kemmy came over and got all the shots ready as i was laying on the couch praying that i would get through this,with God's help. And wooo hooo i did with flying colors!!
The first shot stings a lot but the prick doesn't hurt and the "pen " shot doesn't hurt at all!!!! I couldn't have been happier! So my first shots were given to me at home with brice. That was a blessing, i was around my comfort zone and i really think that helped me a lot.

So the next morning i was out the door at 8 to head to OKC with his aunt. Where i would be staying for the next 10days. It was really hard for me to leave really didn't think that i would get so emontional about leaving. I really though of it as a vacation from house work,everyday work,and just the hussel and bussel of life. But when it came down to the day i was scared,and already feeling lonely. Not a great feeling.

But since i've been here i been doing good. the first night was really rough,my Endometrios was really flaring up that night. my stomach was killing me.Not feeling good and not being in my own bed or having brice around,i was a mess. But thankfully kemmy was understanding and took very good care of me. She has been keeping me busy,on sunday we went to church and that was exactly what i needed. it was  a blessing to be there.

Brice came last night and brought sophie it was so nice to have them here. they bring a smile to my face everyday and it was nice to have those pretty faces around me again! it was nice to hang out with brice and just catch up. we went and got our blood work done today we had to give 5 viles of blood today,and my lady was from sweeden and i could hardly understand her! that will make you real comfortable! but it was just another poke in the arm for me!!
So after that fun date,we went to eat lunch and came back and chilled for they had to hit the dusty trail again!
Shots are done for tonight, gotta go back to the clinic in the morning for some more blood work and an ultrasound. i hope they lower my dose of Gonal-F,i really don't want to purchase another 750.00 pen again! my levels have to be between 50-100 and it's was at 59.2 yesterday. so we'll see! God bless!

MY FIRST DAY OF SHOTS!

TODAY  FELT LIKE I WAS ON A ROLLER COASTER AT SIX FLAGS. AND BY THE WAY I HATE ROLLER COASTERS!!!! ANYWAYS,MY EMONTIONS WERE ALL OVER THE PLACE TODAY. I WENT INTO THE SHOP THIS MORNING,BUT I WAS REALLY JUST IN A FOG ALL MORNING. I DIDN'T THINK I WAS REALLY SCARED OR NERVOUS BUT I GUESS I WAS. WHEN I GOT HOME TODAY BRICE GAVE ME A HUG AND I JUST STARTED CRYING AND JUST BROKE DOWN. I WAS SCARED ABOUT LEAVING HOME FOR 10 DAYS AND HAVEING TO TAKE SHOTS AND NOT HAVING MY MOM OR HUBBY AROUND TO COMFORT ME. A LITTLE SCARY! AND I STARTED MY PERIOD TODAY AND IT WAS PRETTY PAINFUL THIS TIME SO I WAS JUST A MESS.

THE DR. OFFICE CALLED TODAY AND SHE SAID THAT I WOULDN'T HAVE TO BE THERE UNTIL SUNDAY MORNING. SO I WENT HOME AND TOOK A HOT HOT BATH AND WENT STRAIGHT TO BED. I SLEPT FOR 2 1/2 HRS. I REALLY DON'T EVER FEEL STRESSED UNLESS MY PATIENCE IS SHORT . BUT I HAVE BEEN SO TIRED AND CRANKY I KNOW NOW THAT I HAVE BEEN JUST PLAIN STRESSED OUT!!! BETWEEN ALL THE PAYMENT MESS THAT WE'VE GONE THROUGH ( THAT'S A WHOLE NOTHER BLOG) ANYWAYS, BETWEEN THAT AND THE IDEA OF  SHOTS IT'S, BEEN CRAZY.

BUT I DO HAVE GOOD NEWS.... I STARTED MY TUMMY SHOTS TONIGHT AND IT WENT SO GOOD!! BRICE'S AUNT WAS HERE SO SHE CAME OVER AND GAVE THEM TO ME. AND SHE'S REALLY GOOD AT IT!! SHE'S ALSO AN RN :) !! ONE SHOT BURNED A LITTLE, BUT THE PEN SHOT DIDN;T HURT AT ALL! I WAS SO HAPPY. NOW I KNOW THAT I CAN DO THIS. I AM STRONG ENOUGH TO GET THROUGH THIS AND IT WILL BE WORTH IT ALL!!! SO NOW I LEAVE FOR OKC IN THE MORNING, WITH HIS AUNT AND I'LL BE THERE FOR 10 DAYS. I HAVE TO GO THE CLINIC EVERY OTHER MORNING FOR BLOOD WORK AND A ULTRA SOUND. I HAVE A COUPLE OF PROJECTS I'M GONNA TRY TO GET DONE WHILE I'M THERE AND I PLAN ON HANGING OUT WITH A FRIEND AND RELAX. I THINK THIS WILL BE GOOD FOR ME TO GET AWAY FROM WORK,AND HOUSE WORK FOR  AWHILE. I WILL MISS MY FAMILY THOUGH. MY TWO BABIES AND BRICE! I KNOW NOW THAT IT WILL ALL BE OK AND WILL WORK OUT FOR US! I WILL BE POSTING AS MUCH AS I CAN! SO UNTIL NEXT TIME PLEASE KEEP READING AND GOD BLESS!