so it's been a long time since I've last wrote on here! alot has happened, so let me catch up!
well in April the day before Easter brice and i went in to our 2nd transfer and we found out 10 days after that, that we were PREGNANT!!!! we couldn't believe it.... we were actually pregnant... i had a baby inside my belly!!!! i cried so hard Brice's dad that the test results were neg.! i was shaking, my legs felt like jello.... it was the most amazing feeling I've ever felt!!!!
so after Brice knew i went to tell all the rest of the family! i wanted to tell them all in person! this was awesome news and wanted to see their expression!!! me and mom cried like babies ,my dad cried it was one emotional day!
so the following week had to get more blood work done to make sure the baby was growing! and my first HCG level was pretty high so when i went back, i was just as nervous that it hadn't doubled, we weren't out of the woods just yet!!! so walked down that long lonely hallway again.... and it had almost tripled!!! again i was on cloud nine!!! i was so happy and still couldn't believe it!!! i was PREGNANT!
so from that test it would be 3 weeks before we would go back to OKC and get hear the heartbeat! in those 3 weeks, i was eating like crazy, i wasn't ever getting full... and was tired some not too bed though. i would just look at brice during the day and say... " can you believe it? " it was so surreal to me.... i began wondering what the nursery would look like... started looking up girl bedding, cause i already had the boy bedding picked out! my dearest friend mindee came to town to celebrate... her and amanda both! we went and ate supper with our hubbies .... and i was excited to be the D.D!!! :) life was so wonderful!
then the appt was here!!! it was gonna be a awesome day!!! we spent the night at kemmy's and her grandson's were there, and wanted to feel the "baby".... it almost made me cry!!! i have waited so long for this...even though it was way to early... this sweet boy wanted to feel his cousin!!! wow! how little things like that make it so amazing!
that morning woke up so tired..... didn't sleep at all! when i did fall asleep it was for a short while and woke up praying..... i prayed so hard for this baby! got up and got around... my appt was at 8:30 couldn't eat breakfast my nervous were awful! brice was so happy and so gitty! me... i was so nervous! i was super excited but deep down was afraid of something going wrong!
so dr. craig comes in and is bubbly as always, happy for us and couldn't wait to see that heartbeat!
as soon as she got to looking for the heartbeat i could tell something wasn't right! she wasn't smiling anymore... and the room felt cold!
so she shut everything down and took a pic of the baby.... and looked at me! that's when i lost it!!!! i knew, i just knew that it wasn't what we were wanting to hear!!!!
she said that the heartbeat was hard to count and that she wasn't happy with the size of the baby! but.... that she wasn't holding out for hope! that she has seen small babies, and that as long as the baby doubles is size and the heartbeat gets stronger with every visit.... it should be ok! she said she wouldn't give me hope if she didn't think there was anything else to do ! she said to go home and have our families pray really hard.... and that was all she had to say... i completly lost it! thank gosh brice was there to listen to her cause i was crying so hard i have no idea what else was said! THAT'S THE LAST THING YOU WANNA HEAR FROM YOUR DR! GO HOME AND PRAY!!!!!!! i got to the car and shut down.... strared out the window and woldn't talk about nothing! i just wanted to be home in my bed! instead a long 4 hr ride home first! yuck!
made it home and we both went straight to bed! (maybe if i woke up it would have been just a bad, bad dream!!! ) our families were upset.... i was putting on my brave front... and no one was buying it! but it was what i had to do at the time!
so for one long,long week we all praied and hoped for the best!!! it was an awful week.... i was still eating like a horse but never got sick! which had me worried... most people are sick when they're pregnant... why aren't i?
the day that we have been waiting for was finally here.... dr craig looked at the screen and didn't even have to measure much! she knew just by looking at the baby.... that it hadn't changed any!
here come the water works again.... but trying to hold my composure as much as possible! i just wanted out of there! i hate to see pitty on someones face when all you wanna do is scream and get mad!!! why? why get pregnant, just to get it taken away.... i was so angry and hurt! it was like someone was yanking my heart out of my chest! and yet again another 4 hr drive home...... ugh!
got home and was feeling somewhat better! i think i had kind of prepared myself for this... cause our luck sucks!!! i think everyone was shocked at how well i was handling it... again my brave front came to play! i just hate the pitty and the sadness... so i play strong and i will melt down alone or with brice!
now i had to stop all meds, and i choice to let my body get rid of it on it's own ! she said after i stop the shots that i would have a cycle shortly after that! one week to the day i started my period! it was one a Tuesday... i was planning on going in that afternoon, but there was no way! if i stood up i had to go straight to the bathroom and change my pad... it was super heavy! i was having a miscarriage .
so after all the joy and love brice and i had felt 3 weeks earlier was gone.....now we were feeling sadness and pain! how quickly life can change! through it all i never lost sight of God... i was angry and had questions but i think that's normal! i never blamed God or doubted him! i know that he has a plan for us and it's worth all of this to find out what it will be!! i know one day it will happen for us and because of HIM not the IVF or the dr's but because of GOD!!!
