GOD IS AN AWSOME GOD!!

well today has been an awsome day! much better than the day before... let me explain! dr.craig was worried that i wouldn't be ready for egg retrival until monday or tuesday. so i was a little upset cause i was hoping for saturday. but oh well... so i though ti was over it all until my mom called and she was asking all the questions and she comented that i sounded really down! and then i lost it. i broke all the way down and sobbed like i haven't in a very long time. i was asking God to help me and that i needed him to do something... i didn't know how much of this i could take! so i pulled myself together and went into target had a little more christmas shopping to do,and my phone rings... it was connie and she knew that i was gonna have to order more meds and she said that a lady had donated a Gonal-f pen and wanted to know if i wanted it!!! YES YES YES!!! is all i could say! i was so happy and grateful to the sweet lady and the Good Lord! he had showed me right there that he was watching over me and helping me and he blessed me with that pen! i couldn't wait to share with everyone had God had blessed me! so my spritits were lifted,i couldn't wait to go back to the dr.on friday and see how much my eggs had grown.
 
so today i had my appt. with dr. craig. i was excited but a little nervous,that i wouldn't hear what i wanted to hear. so she began mearsuring my eggs and they weren't 18 yet but... they had grown some more. she counted about 9 eggs that she thought would harvest today if,she took them out. she said that the other ones that are measuring around 9-10's they need one more day to grow and she thought that they would have a better day on harvesting.!!!! so she thought monday was still on ! so i still take my shots tonight and tomorrow but then that's it!!!! yay i have been waiting for her to say that this whole week! after everyone left the room i jumped around and acted like a child on christmas day! what a blessing!!!! so now brice will here tonight and we can spend the weekend together. and wait for monday! can't wait to see him! i miss him like crazy! thank you Lord for all the blessings you've given me! i love you and praise you!!! God bless

sleep over

went shopping today with aunt kembrly. it was fun and sad all in the same. i am on a pretty tight budget this year so, i didn't get to do a lot of shopping today! but i am one that love i mean loves to shop. and since i've been doing this IVF the whole idea of saving for our baby is a much greater high! and i do believe that you do get a high when you love to shop. :) anyways,it really hasn't bothered me that i can't go shopping. but,when i have been to target i find myself going through the baby section,and oh my gosh!!! the little girl stuff is so cute! and all the little blankets,toys and the socks oh my! it's gonna be so much fun i can not wait.
tomorrow is another day at the clinic. i really pray that my eggs have been growing! i should have to order one more pen tomorrow and i really  hope that's it! so i guess we'll see. going to spend the night with my friend from high school tomorrow ! i'm super excited it's gonna be a little weird. the last time i spent the night with her was when we were senoirs ! and man to we have stories. she has been a wonderful friend. she has stuck by me through a lot of drama. she's always the one that i call when i need someone to give me some great advice (other than brice) she's been by my side through all this IVF she even helped me find a dr. in OKC! so tomorrow night we will have a good time and she will be apart of the shots,she's gonna have to give them to me! I'm so happy that after 10 yrs since we graduated we;re still close! love ya P !
God bless

just another day

well just another day at the clinic really. i was really hopeing that my eggs were doubled in size,we they weren't. dr. craig did say that my utres looked really good and that i have plenty of eggs just the size isn't where it needs to be. so we are planning on taking my eggs on saturday the 19th. i really hope that it stays,i need for this part to be over. i need to move past this . she thinks that i will stop taking the shots on thursday so that's good,not that the shots have bothered me at all,it's just i hate to spend any more money of meds. i've spent an EXTRA 1400 just on this one pen. so i really hope we are getting close to be done with that.
 things have been going good here in OKC though,havne't really gotten home sick. i think maybe everyone gets used to something and it become routine maybe, and i have made a routine for myself. get up and go to the clinic come home and unless kemmy has something for us to do i really don't do much. which is not like me,at home i'm always doing something... laundry,cooking cleaning or at work. it's really been nice to go take a hot bath when i'm ready and write in my journal and call it a day. it's been almost 100 % stress free. and the stress part has been me just worring about money or meds. it's been nice to visit and hang out with his family. this has really brought us closer.:) so tuesday i should know more i hope it's all good news! God bless!

grow eggs grow!

lets see where i left off... went to the dr. on thursday and she said that my eggs are measuring an 8 and she wants them to be an 18! so that means more shots,yuck. but whatever it takes!!! but she said that she would see me on sunday so the first thought was.... i'm going home for a couple of days. so i loaded up a few things and headed down the road. it was nice to be home. even though i did a little cleaning it was nice. went to work,and made my booth rent. i was happy! i hate it when i feel like i'm not pulling my weight,brice didn't want me to go in,one he didn't want me to be stressed about anything and two,he was afraid i would catch something and get sick, but i needed to get out of the house and do something!
brice had the job of being my nurse the 2 days i was home. lets just say he did a good job but, you have to understand his aunt is an RN and has been the one giving me my shots. so i know how it's supposed to feel and brice was nervous and a first timmer. i don't think i could do it at all! i know that he did his best! but i'm glad to be back with his aunt tonight!! i really pray that tomorrow at the clinic goes great! i need my eggs to be bigger and i hope that they have some sort of time frame on the egg retrival!
 i'm really greatful that these hormone shots haven't given me any side effects. i have had headaches but no emontional rolle coaster. i really thought that i would be feeling happy then sad and then mad all in the same moment. but nothing like that at all! i do feel sad when i left home but i'm pretty emontional to begin with! my nurse did say that the men say that the wifes have mood swings. but i guess brice is lucky that i haven't been around him and hasn;t had to say weither or not if i'v had mood swings!! :) this whole process has gone so smoothly that i have to believe that it's meant to be! between the place to stay and the timing and how quickly it all went! it's been a blessing that everything has just fallen into place. i really have such a good feeling about it all! i know that God walking with us and making it all possible.
   God bless

updates

so... i guess i forgot my password to my blog. so now i'm gonna to catch everyone up to what all has been going on in our crazy world. so just to recap brice and i are going through IVF in OKC. we started it all on Nov. 12th,and now it's Dec.9th and i've been doing my stomach shots since friday the 4th.

The shots have really been pretty easy, much to my surprise!! thank goodness,i have a fear of needles,i wasn't so excited about the whole idea. but you gotta do what you gotta do!! So brice's aunt came back to perryton with us from OKC and so she was around to give me my first shot on friday. So since i started my period i was so tired and achy wasn't feeling good at all i took a nap whn i got home and tried not to think about the whole shot bussines. So around 8:00 kemmy came over and got all the shots ready as i was laying on the couch praying that i would get through this,with God's help. And wooo hooo i did with flying colors!!
The first shot stings a lot but the prick doesn't hurt and the "pen " shot doesn't hurt at all!!!! I couldn't have been happier! So my first shots were given to me at home with brice. That was a blessing, i was around my comfort zone and i really think that helped me a lot.

So the next morning i was out the door at 8 to head to OKC with his aunt. Where i would be staying for the next 10days. It was really hard for me to leave really didn't think that i would get so emontional about leaving. I really though of it as a vacation from house work,everyday work,and just the hussel and bussel of life. But when it came down to the day i was scared,and already feeling lonely. Not a great feeling.

But since i've been here i been doing good. the first night was really rough,my Endometrios was really flaring up that night. my stomach was killing me.Not feeling good and not being in my own bed or having brice around,i was a mess. But thankfully kemmy was understanding and took very good care of me. She has been keeping me busy,on sunday we went to church and that was exactly what i needed. it was  a blessing to be there.

Brice came last night and brought sophie it was so nice to have them here. they bring a smile to my face everyday and it was nice to have those pretty faces around me again! it was nice to hang out with brice and just catch up. we went and got our blood work done today we had to give 5 viles of blood today,and my lady was from sweeden and i could hardly understand her! that will make you real comfortable! but it was just another poke in the arm for me!!
So after that fun date,we went to eat lunch and came back and chilled for they had to hit the dusty trail again!
Shots are done for tonight, gotta go back to the clinic in the morning for some more blood work and an ultrasound. i hope they lower my dose of Gonal-F,i really don't want to purchase another 750.00 pen again! my levels have to be between 50-100 and it's was at 59.2 yesterday. so we'll see! God bless!

MY FIRST DAY OF SHOTS!

TODAY  FELT LIKE I WAS ON A ROLLER COASTER AT SIX FLAGS. AND BY THE WAY I HATE ROLLER COASTERS!!!! ANYWAYS,MY EMONTIONS WERE ALL OVER THE PLACE TODAY. I WENT INTO THE SHOP THIS MORNING,BUT I WAS REALLY JUST IN A FOG ALL MORNING. I DIDN'T THINK I WAS REALLY SCARED OR NERVOUS BUT I GUESS I WAS. WHEN I GOT HOME TODAY BRICE GAVE ME A HUG AND I JUST STARTED CRYING AND JUST BROKE DOWN. I WAS SCARED ABOUT LEAVING HOME FOR 10 DAYS AND HAVEING TO TAKE SHOTS AND NOT HAVING MY MOM OR HUBBY AROUND TO COMFORT ME. A LITTLE SCARY! AND I STARTED MY PERIOD TODAY AND IT WAS PRETTY PAINFUL THIS TIME SO I WAS JUST A MESS.

THE DR. OFFICE CALLED TODAY AND SHE SAID THAT I WOULDN'T HAVE TO BE THERE UNTIL SUNDAY MORNING. SO I WENT HOME AND TOOK A HOT HOT BATH AND WENT STRAIGHT TO BED. I SLEPT FOR 2 1/2 HRS. I REALLY DON'T EVER FEEL STRESSED UNLESS MY PATIENCE IS SHORT . BUT I HAVE BEEN SO TIRED AND CRANKY I KNOW NOW THAT I HAVE BEEN JUST PLAIN STRESSED OUT!!! BETWEEN ALL THE PAYMENT MESS THAT WE'VE GONE THROUGH ( THAT'S A WHOLE NOTHER BLOG) ANYWAYS, BETWEEN THAT AND THE IDEA OF  SHOTS IT'S, BEEN CRAZY.

BUT I DO HAVE GOOD NEWS.... I STARTED MY TUMMY SHOTS TONIGHT AND IT WENT SO GOOD!! BRICE'S AUNT WAS HERE SO SHE CAME OVER AND GAVE THEM TO ME. AND SHE'S REALLY GOOD AT IT!! SHE'S ALSO AN RN :) !! ONE SHOT BURNED A LITTLE, BUT THE PEN SHOT DIDN;T HURT AT ALL! I WAS SO HAPPY. NOW I KNOW THAT I CAN DO THIS. I AM STRONG ENOUGH TO GET THROUGH THIS AND IT WILL BE WORTH IT ALL!!! SO NOW I LEAVE FOR OKC IN THE MORNING, WITH HIS AUNT AND I'LL BE THERE FOR 10 DAYS. I HAVE TO GO THE CLINIC EVERY OTHER MORNING FOR BLOOD WORK AND A ULTRA SOUND. I HAVE A COUPLE OF PROJECTS I'M GONNA TRY TO GET DONE WHILE I'M THERE AND I PLAN ON HANGING OUT WITH A FRIEND AND RELAX. I THINK THIS WILL BE GOOD FOR ME TO GET AWAY FROM WORK,AND HOUSE WORK FOR  AWHILE. I WILL MISS MY FAMILY THOUGH. MY TWO BABIES AND BRICE! I KNOW NOW THAT IT WILL ALL BE OK AND WILL WORK OUT FOR US! I WILL BE POSTING AS MUCH AS I CAN! SO UNTIL NEXT TIME PLEASE KEEP READING AND GOD BLESS!

THANKFUL AND HOPEFUL

WELL OVER THESE PAST COUPLE OF DAYS, I'VE HAD THANKSGIVING DINNER WITH TWO FAMILYS AND FELT VERY BLESSED! EVEN THOUGH I WAS ENJOYING THE LAUGHTER AND STORIES IBUT, IN THE BACK OF MY MIND,ALL I COULD THINK IS,  WILL NEXT YEAR BE  DIFFRENT FOR BRICE AND I? BUT, I DO THIS WITH EVERY HOLIDAY! AND WHEN THAT HOLIDAY COMES BACK AROUND AND IT'S STILL BRICE AND I ,I REALIZE MAN IT'S BEEN ANOTHER YEAR AND NO LUCK! IT SUCKS TO LIVE YOUR LIFE MONTH BY MONTH THEN IT'S ALREADY BEEN A YEAR . IT'S CRAZY HOW FAST TIME FLYS BY! BUT FOR SOME REASON,I FEEL LIKE NEXT THANKSGIVING FOR ATLEAST BY CHRISTMAS WE SHOULD HAVE A BABY TO ADD TO OUR FAMILY! SOMETIMES I LOOK AT US AND THINK,  IS IT TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE? FOR US TO HAVE A BABY IN OUR LIFE?? THEN SOME DAYS I CAN SEE IT AND ALMOST FEEL THAT BABY!!! BUT THERE  ARE DAYS WHEN I DON'T THINK IT WILL EVER HAPPEN FOR US AND IT'S JUST NOT MEANT TO BE ! BUT THANK GOODNESS I HAVE MORE OF THE GOOD FEELINGS THAN THE BAD!

NOT REALLY IN THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT THIS YEAR. NOT SURE WHY, MAYBE CAUSE I WON'T BE HERE FOR 10 DAYS,I DON'T KNOW. I WANT TO BE , THIS IS MY FAVORITE TIME OF THE YEAR! ALL THE LIGHTS,SMELL OF TREES IT'S JUST BEAUTIFUL. I MAY HAVE TO JUST MAKE MYSELF GET INTO THIS YEAR!

WELL I DID SET UP MY MEDS ON FRIDAY, AND MUCH TO MY SURPRISE THE MEDS ARE ONLY GONNA COST US 2,700 RATHER THAN THE 4,000 WE THOUGHT!! SO THAT WAS A HUGE RELIEF!! THEY ARE STILL CHECKING WITH OUR INSURANCE BUT, I DOUBT THEY COVER ANY OF IT! BUT THAT'S OK I HAPPY WITH THE 2,700 THEY TOLD US!

AND WE ARE DOING A PROGRAM THROUGH THE CLINIC  IT'S LIKE AN INSURANCE FOR US! WE PAY THE 16,000 UP FRONT TO THEM INSTEAD OF THE 9,000 IF WE JUST PAID THE CLINIC. BUT IF WE DON'T EVER BRING HOME A BABY WE GET 70%  OF OUR MONEY BACK THROUGH THIS PROGRAM! I WAS SHOCKED IT WASN'T BASED ON A + PREGNANT TEST IT'S WHEN YOU BRING HOME THAT SWEET BABY! AND IF I DO THIS THE ONE TIME AND CAN'T DO IT AGIAN I STILL GET THE MONEY BACK! WE HAVE 6 TRIES AND THEN IF IT'S DOESN;T WORK WE GET THAT MONEY BACK! SO ANYWAYS, WE DECIDED TO GO FOR IT AND JUST PAY THE EXTRA MONEY. AND IF IT WORKS THE FIRST TIME THEN THAT EXTRA MONEY WAS WELL WORTHT IT!! :) SO JUST A LITTLE INFO. ON THE STEPS WE'VE TAKEN SO FAR. I GO BACK MONDAY NIGHT TO THE CITY I HAVE AN APPT TUESDAY MORNING AT 8:30 FOR BLOOD WORK AND AN ULTRASOUND. AND THEN THE DR. IS GONNA GIVE US A SHOT CLASS SO WE KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!! :( NOT LOOKING FORWORD TO THIS PART!!! BUT OH WELL IT'S GOTTA BE DONE!

I WILL POST AGAIN AFTER OUR APPT ! GOD BLESS

tests and more tests!

well yesterday (tuesday) we were back in the city for my not so fun tests! i've had this test done before in amarillo before my last surgry and it sucks!!! not really sure what the correct term is but... they clamp something on your cervic and then they put a balloon in your utres and blow that up so they can see the linning in your utres! it's not fun but i think i did much better this time than last one i've had done. i cried like a baby on the last one,but this go round i knew it wasn't gonna be pleasant. and then they did what they call a trail run on when they put the embryos in my urtes. that wasn't too bad . just so happy that those tests are done and out of the way! on the way home we got to talking about what we were gonna do about the payment that's due on the 2nd!!! it was here holy molly! so we had talked about this program that you pay these people up front an x amount and you get 3 fresh embryo tries and 3 frozen embryo tires. and if that doesn't work you get 70% of your money back,but if it does work then the program is over! so i guess we've decided to go with that! if we went through the clinic it will be 9,000 plus meds which are 3-4,000! and this other program that we got approved for, is 16,000 plus meds! so.... we're taking a small risk by paying more but our life never goes like we hoped it will or nothing comes easy to us i guesss! so we just bit the bullett and did the program. the nurse at the clinic called and ordered my meds yesterday and i'll be talking to them asap to get it all paid for. hate paying that much money for meds but when they're all SHOTS i hate it even more!!! so brice and i are gonna be broke broke broke!! this  is the first time we've really had to watch what we spend, and live on a budget! i know that all that would change when we finally got pregnant so it's just starting early! it's all gonna be ok i have faith! i'll get used to not buying whatever i want,working more than what i do now. i pray that my bussiness stays busy. so, we go back to the city on the 2nd for blood work,ultra sound and a shot class :) yeah!!! NOT! the calender we got on tuesday is super busy there's a lot of stuff on that thing, but it's nice to have so i will know what all is gonna be going on. i have to be in the city the 5th-15th! thanks goodness we have family that we stay with and i won't have to stay in a hotel ever! :) that's been a total blessing. and she's a nurse so she can give me my shot for those 10 days!!!

last night and this morning i felt like i was in fog! it's all so over whelming but, i know that God is holding my hand through all of this and he will lead the way! i wasn't in a good mood at all the today, i was so busy and trying to figure out the whole money thing with this IVF. i really just wanted to escape all day today! but i knew what ever i felt like in that moment that it would all be forgotten when i would hold my baby or even the day they say that i'm pregnant! i can't wait till all this is over and i'm holding my baby or babies!! i can't hardly wait!! brice has been so good through all of this and he knows it's gonna get worse with all these hormones but, he's really understanding and i know he feels bad that i'm having to go through all this. not sure he would trade me spots if he could but.... i know he does feel bad! i love him and i know we will get through this and will be on top when we do!!!! hope you all have a HAPYY THANKSGIVING,and be thankful for your family and the life you have. God bless

DOWN THE ROAD WE GO!!

Well where do i start! On thursday the 12th was the day we drove to ok city to meet our IVF dr. couldn't believe this day was here,so we walked into the most welcoming office,it felt like someone's living room. we finally went back and talked to Dr. Craig,and right away i knew that i was gonna love her! And we both love love her! She's so down to earth and very easy to talk to . That made such a huge impact on me. So anyways,she went over all the steps we would be going through with IVF ,it was a little overwhelming but i had a huge grin on my face the whole time :) well until she brought up the SHOTS that is!! but... i know it's so small price to pay for the moment i can hold my baby!! So,we went back and the nurse (connie) atempted to draw my blood uhhh yeah that wasn't fun but finally 3rd try and a new nurse we got it done~ and then dr.craig asked us when we would be ready to start IVF and i very quickly said TODAY? she said well.... you're where you need to be to start today so,let's do it! Just like that! we are now going down the IVF road hopefully at the end of that road there will be a sweet healthy baby waiting for me to love and raise!!!

I got a call yesterday that i needed to be back in the city on Tuesday for more testing and they would have a complete calendar for us,with all the dates and things we would be doing. I'm so happy to get that calendar i like to know what and when  will be going on in my life. i know the SHOTS are just around the corner and that scares,i just want to get it over with! I've been taking birthcontrol pills and lupron pills as well. I've been getting small headaches but she said that the lupron would cause those,just as long as the hot flashes stay away.  I read my "infertile" freind's blog today and it made me cry,i felt her heart ache , her pain and her tears. her last embryo didn't take and she's out of IVF funds. it just breaks my heart,i hate it and i don;t understand??? Life sometimes it's so unfair and cruel,but she's so strong and i know with her faith and prayer she will get through this! until next time, God Bless!

dreams!

well the week that i've been waiting for since september is now here!!! i know it's just our new client appt. but i know all the question we have will be answered to a point i guess. i really can't wait to know how much it's gonna cost and what the dr. thinks about our "problem"! i've really kind of just put all my feeling about it to the back burner and just chilled out for awhile,until the past few days.... i woke up one morning and my pillow was wet and my face was too! i had been crying in my dreams and it was so real that i was actually crying. i do this sometimes when i have bad dreams, but this one was a wonderful dream,  my dr. had told me that i was PREGNANT!! I woke up feeling like i and had this feeling of joy and happiness and theni relized that it was JUST a dream.. but  it was so sureal i can't wait till that moment. i used to think of ways to tell brice that we were gonna have a baby! i think everyone wants it to be some really specail,something you'll never forget but.... i know that when those WORDS come out of our dr.'s mouth it will be a moment that brice and i will NEVER forget! i know that God will bless us when it's our time and we will rejoice with everyone that knows our story!! i can;t wait!! :) i'll be posting about our appt. it's on the 12th! keep us in your prayers please! God bless

penny for your thoughts

today i have been home,i took  a few days off to just rest and take a break i guess. it must have been needed cause i've slept all day and really have done nothing around the house. i really wasn't feeling good today i ran fever all day and had a headache. even though i felt like crap i was wishing i was feeling this way cause i was caring a baby. but i know that i have some bug but,it was wishfiul thinking. these past few days everytime i see a baby on tv or hear a baby i really study that baby and think how lucky women are to have a baby in their life. i don;t get down i just really enjoy seeing that cute face or hear that voice. i've really been thinking about our IVF apppt. and i'm getting very excited i know it will be here before i know it. it's been so long,just me and brice and sometimes i can't see our life with a little one. i guess its just hard to picture. but it's a picture i can't wait to see and live.the girl that i started ready about is fixing to start on her 2nd ivf treatment i really pray that it works for them!  boring blog i know but a few of my thoughts for the day. God bless

papers

well..... we got our new client papers in yesterday!!! started filling it out,and realized that this is really gonna happen! CAN'T WAIT! found out by a friend that went there that the dr.'s will check our blood type to see his sperm and my eggs will even connect. that was one of my questions to them, i have another friend that they had her do all her shot first then did that test,and her eggs wouldn't take his sperm. so.... she had two choices, egg donor or adoption. what a waist of money for her these meds are not cheap! so i was so happy to hear that. she also told me that you get really used to shots. between all the test the dr takes and your shots you'll never look at needles the same. OUCH!! but i know God will give the strength to get through it all!
it seems like november is so far away but i know it will be here before we know it. i'm already counting down the days! until next time God bless!

FIRST STEP

WELL YESTERDAY WAS A REALLY BAD DAY FOR ME. I HAVEN'T HAD ONE IN A WHILE AND BOY DID IT EVER HIT.... I CRIED ALL DAY,FELT LIKE I WAS DRIVING BRICE AWAY I REALLY THOUGHT I WAS FALLING OFF THE DEEP END. BUT..... THEN BRICE AND I TALKED WE HAD MANY THINGS IN OUR LIFE THAT WE HAD TO MAKE DECISIONS ON SUCH AS.... NEW FLOORING IN OUR HOUSE,NEW ROOF,OR TRYING TO BUY A HOUSE IN THE COUNTRY. OH AND TRYING TO GO ON VACATION! YEAH ALONG WITH TRYING TO GET PREGNANT. SO I WAS A LITTLE STRESSED OUT.

SO WE FINALLY DECIDED TO PUT A HAULT ON THINGS THAT DON'T HAVE TO DO WITH US HAVING A BABY. SO WE DECIDED TO GO WITH TRYING IVF .

SO TODAY I CALLED DR.CRAIG AT THE OU MEDICAL CENTER TODAY AND SET UP A NEW CLEINT APPT. FOR NOV 12TH AT 2:00! IT WAS A LITTLE SUREAL AND I HAD A LOT OF EMONTION GOING THROUGH MY HEAD. I WAS A LITTLE SCARED,HAPPY,NERVOUS AND REALLY HOPEFUL. SO I GUESS THAT'S A GOOD SIGN I GUESS. I JUST HOPE SHE'S THE RIGHT DR. FOR US. I HOPE THAT NOV COMES QUICKLY.

SO TODAY FEELS LIKE A NEW DAY OF HOPE AND STRENGTH FOR ME.I FEEL LIKE I NEEDED SOMETHING POSITIVE TO LOOK TOWARDS I DON'T HANDLE MORE THAN ONE MAJOR THING IN MY LIFE AT A TIME. MY MOM TOLD ME THAT GOD HEARS YOUR PRAYERS AND KNOW WHAT YOU HEART DESIRES,BUT... HE WANTS TO KNOW THAT YOU CAN BE HAPPY WITHOUT THAT ONE THING YOU DESIRE.
I KNOW THAT BRICE AND I ARE HAPPY TOGETHER WITHOUT A BABY BUT, I FEEL LIKE THEIR IS SOMETHING MISSING. IT DOESN'T MEAN I'M NOT HAPPY JUST SOMETIMES EMPTY AND LOST. SO LORD PLEASE GRANT ME STRENGTH AND PATIENTCE!

up in the air!

i know it's been a while since i've wrote.... just kind of taking a break. not sure where i left off but, we have decided to quit the IUI. we did 4 IUI and really felt like that wasn't working for us. so now we are gonna go to the OU medical center in ok city and talked to one of their IVF doctors. they have a program that if IVF doesn't work we get 70% of our money back, you have a qualify for the program but... it's so worth trying. even though we have decided that what we're gonna do we haven't decided when....

i have mixed emontions on it. should we just jump in and go for it or should we try to save as much money as we can and wait? somedays i feel like a break would be the best option and then it's like i am just wasting time and need to just get it over with. it's really hard to decide.

brice and i will talk about it but ... at the end of the night i feel like we haven't gotten anywhere on the subject. so i feel stuck sometimes. i know that God is watching over us and will guide us on this rocky road. i know that this is our journey for now and it's his plan for us. i know that he will bless us with a family when it's his time . so until then i'm gonna keep praying and keep faith in God.

i'm gonna keep writing it,seems to help me vent and i can think out load when there's no one to talk to ! God bless you and until next time.....

not what i wantedt to see!

well i've made it home from my cousins girl trip in mason tx. it was a lot of fun, we got to catch up and hear some really funny and sad stories. the whole time i was there the thoughts in the back of my head..... am i pregnant? everytime i had a cramp my hopes would go down a little then my cousins were telling me that they cramped right before they found out they were pregnant. so... my hopes would go back up. I really felt that i was pregnant this time. but sunday night at 11:27, "AUNT FLOW" came for a unwanted visit.:( so today i haven't been feeling too good i'm tired and i have cramps pretty bad today, besides my emotions ...... what are we gonna do? when are we gonna go to the dr. and see what he has to say, how long is the waiting time before we can get into the dr. and how much is this gonna cost us?

about a week or so ago i kept thinking that our life would be so much easier if we were pregnant. things would just fit into place and so much weight would be lifted off our shoulders. but i do know that this isn't in our control. i just have to keep my faith in the Lord and trust in him. he know what's best for us and won't put anything in front of us that we can't handle. so even though i don't think i can handle giving myself shots everyday and being on all sorts of meds, i guess i'll just have to, since that's looks like our next step, i guess i'll have to surprise myself .i'm ready to see what the dr has to say and hear his advice.

so today i'm gonna lay around and take it easy and do a little research on IVF,but... not too much i don't want to freak myself out. until next time, God bless

GOD WAS TALKING TO ME TODAY

WELL......... WHERE DO I START? THIS MORNING AT CHURCH WAS SO TOUCHING. I FELT AS THOUGH IT WAS ME BROTHER JOE AND GOD . AS I WAS SITTING THERE LISTENING TEARS JUST STARTED ROLLING DOWN MY CHEEK AND THE WATER WORKS WERE ON! HOW CAN YOU NOT GET EMONTIONAL WHEN THE LORD IS SPEAKING TO YOU? I WAS WAITING TO HEAR A SERMON LIKE THAT I KNEW HE WOULD SPEAK TO ME ANYTIME.

SO I GUESS YOU'RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHAT THE SERMON WAS ABOUT?

WELL IT WAS ABOUT PAUL AND SILAS TAKING THEIR JOURNEY TO MACEDONIA. AND HOW GOD CAN TELL YOU NO! AND WHEN HE DOESN'T ANSWER YOUR PRAYERS IT'S BECAUSE HE HAS OTHER PLANS FOR YOU. PAUL WAS TOLD NO WHEN HE WANTED TO SPREAD THE GOSPEL TO PROVINCE OF ASIA. BECAUSE HE WAS TO BE IN JAIL IN MACEDONIA TO SAVE THE JAILER THAT WAS KEEPING HIM CAPTIVE. IT'S AN AWESOME STORY I CAN'T WAIT TO FINISH IT.

ANYWAYS, NOT BEING ABLE TO CONCIEVE WHEN WE WANTED TO, ISN'T ABOUT ME OR BRICE, IT'S ALL ABOUT GOD AND HIS JOURNEY FOR US. AND IT REALLY HIT HOME THAT THIS ISN'T ABOUT POOR SUNNYE. CAN'T GET PREGNANT WHY AM I BEING PUNISHED...... I KNOW NOW THAT THAT WASN'T MY JOURNEY IN LIFE AND I KNOW THAT GOD HAS A PERFECT PLAN FOR US. AND UNTIL THAT HAPPENS I'M AT PEACE WITH IT.

IF BECOMING CLOSER TO GOD AND SPREADING THE WORD OF GOD IS WHAT WE HAVE TO DO, BEFORE WE BECOME PARENTS I'M GONNA GIVE MY ALL TO DO JUST THAT. I DO FEEL LIKE I'M BECOMING CLOSER AND UNDERSTANDING MORE . MY EARS ARE OPEN TO HIS WORDS AND I'M EAGER TO LEARN MORE AND MORE.

TODAY WAS LIKE A HUGE LIGHT BULB FINALLY SWITCHING ON. I LOVE THESE DAYS.:)UNTIL NEXT TIME GOD BLESS ! THE SERMON WAS OVER ACTS CHAPTER 16

so today was not such a great day........ my car went to the shop in amarillo and of course the thing that's wrong with it isn't covered with our warrenty. surprise surprise. it's always something. i need that money to stay in the "baby" fund. so now i'm just gonna try my hardest to stay positive and trust n God to help us through this. but other than that bad news things are going good. my spirits are good i really haven't thought about the baby thing. ever now and then i pat my tummy and say...."grow baby grow! " i can't wait till the 17th to see if we're pregnant. but then on the other hand there's always the alternative. but either way something will change in our lives. i'm ready! i think we're both ready! maybe the car thing is to distract me from stressing out about getting pregnant and stress out about something else. wish it was something that doesn't cost so much but whatever it takes. well that's it really! God bless

when it rains it pours

well last night our car decided to give us problems. SURPRISE no not really, here we are trying to save every penny we can (without going insane). and now our car isn't running at all! i know the devil is doing this , he's trying to steer us away from God, and guess what it's not gonna happen. i see right through him . even though i really want to have a pity party and cry i know that the Lord will take care of this and it will work its self out. so i still have faith i know it could be a lot worse.

so this afternoon i had tons of things to do but, wasn't in the mood to do any of them.so i chose not to. but i did choose to scrapbook. i got lost in it for like 2hrs. no wondering about anything fertilty no worrying about my car or money. just me and those pictures. it was nice to be able to escape at your dinner table. i would have rather be at the beach but you take what you can get.

well that's all i really have to write about today. Until next time! God bless

JUST ANOTHER DAY

NOT MUCH IS NEW TODAY. WENT TO CHURCH THIS MORINING AND THIS EVENING. GOT READY TO HEAD HOME, AND ......MY CAR WOULDN'T START!!! UHHHHHHHHH NOT WHAT WE NEED RIGHT NOW. HAVEN'T EVEN HAD THE CAR FOR MORE THAN A YR. WE THINK IT MIGHT BE THE FUEL PUMP! HERE WE ARE TRYING TO BE ON A BUDGET AND THIS HAPPENS, SO I WILL PRAY TONIGHT THAT GOD TAKES CARE OF THE PROBLEM AND WE CAN KEEP THAT MONEY IN THE BABY FUND! MY MOOD HAS BEEN OK THIS WEEKEND NOTHING REALLY TO COMPLAIN ABOUT JUST BLAH! I GUESS JUST ONE OF THOSE DAYS. ANYWAYS, UNTIL NEXT TIME. GOD BLESS

very important day

well today was our IUI appt. we had to be in amarillo by 9:00 so it was an early morning. everything went good,it seemed that i was more relaxed this time . so maybe it will finally take. i said a prayer right before we went in that i have complete faith that God will watch over us and bless us with a family when the time is right. and to please give me strength if i'm not pregnant in 2 weeks.

my cousin has been sending quotes of the day and the last 2 that i have read have really hit home. here they are :

Faith must always be present tense reality, not a distant memory. God will turn your scars into stars!!!

Find strength through adversity,God has a divine purpose for every challenge that comes into our lives.Trials test our character and help shape our faith! character is not bulit on top of the mountain

those really made a alot of sense to me. just wanted to share those with ya. it's been a long day ready to go to church in the morning and listen to what God is trying to tell me. I pray that my ears are open to his words. until next time! God bless

a relaxing day a home

today was a nice day. brice and i were both off, due to the fact that we thought we were gonna be in amarillo today doing our last A.I appt., but..... didn't hit positive today so maybe in the morning. if so we have to be on the road no later than 7 am! yuck, so much for sleeping in! oh well such is life.
so brice and i just hung out today took it easy. made homemade blueberry pancakes this morning, they were ok i guess. took a nap and went out and had super and watch a movie. so all in all i enjoyed my friday off with brice :)

Not much else has happened today. i'll be letting ya know how tomorrow goes if i hit positive. until next time! God bless

TODAY WAS A GOOD DAY! MY MOOD WAS GOOD . I MET ONE OF MY DEAREST FRIENDS COUSIN TODAY , AND SHE HAS DONE IVF THROUGH OK.CITY AND SHE WANTED TO ANSWER A FEW OF MY QUESTIONS.
SHE SAID THAT THE SHOTS WEREN'T THAT BAD AFTER THE FIRST COUPLE OF ONES. BUT SHE SAID.... THAT AFTER SHE CONCIEVED SHE HAD TO GET A SHOT IN HER HIP FOR THE 1ST TRIMESTER!! WOW THAT'S A LOT, THAT'S ALL I COULD THINK OF.
SHE SAID THOSE DID HURT AND SHE COULDN'T REALLY SIT WITHOUT IT HURTING . OMG ! I GUESS WHEN I KNOW THAT'S , MY NEXT OPTION FOR SURE I'LL HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT AND SUCK IT UP. BUT FOR NOW I'M SO FREAKING OUT!!! I HATE SHOTS AS IT IS! SHOTS FOR 5 MONTHS STRAIGHT IS JUST CRAZY. OH WELL I GUESS.
I JUST NEED TO WAIT AND SEE AFTER I TALK TO A DR . BUT OTHER THAN THAT ME AND KATLYN TALKED ABOUT THE WHOLE BABY THING FOR JUST A WHILE JUST, TALKING OUT LOUD REALLY. BUT MY DAY WASN'T CONSUMED WITH IT, THAT WAS A NICE CHANGE.

BRICE AND I ARE BOTH OFF TOMORROW. I PLAN ON JUST CHILLING AND TAKING A IT EASY! WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE GOING TO AMARILLO A.I APPT. SATURDAY! I REALLY HOPE IT WORKS THIS TIME AROUND. :) SO I'LL BE LETTING EVERYONE KNOW HOW IT GOES. GOD BLESS

today with the girls

i woke up this morining feeling alright. when i got to work my mood seemed to be down a little i don't know why but i was just feeling blah. but me and my mom,and 2 girlfriends and one other mom went to lunch. Katlyn's mom was asking me about what all was going on and how i was handleing it. And it was like i was talking about all of it as if was all gonna be ok. and my words were reasuring ME! ( if that makes any sense, ) it was like i was telling them about everything but i was really telling myself that it's all gonna be good and not to worry
i felt a 100 times better after lunch and my mood was chipper and carefree. it's amazing what talking about stuff can make a diffirence.

Today brice also called our fertility nurse Vicky and was asking her what if my tube is blocked or my endometreois is back and since i only have one ovary should we check my egg count. First of all it was nice for him to call her and handle it. But she said since i'm hitting a postive every month on my ov. kit and my porgesterone level was a 36 i am making eggs and enough of them, and that she doesn't think that my tube should be blocked that soon after surgry,so that isn't the problem.

So just another day not knowing what the heck is the problem. But i was worried about the egg count cause they haven't ever checked. So.... brice and i have decided to go ahead and do this last A.I and if it doesn't work then talk about what we're gonna do next. Either invetro or adoption. The whole thing scares me but i'm ready for something to happen, if that means getting poked with needles then i guess the Lord will give me the strength to do so. My dad might end up being the one that has to give the shots since he's a diabetic in all. So for now we are praying that this last A.I will take and i'll have great news.

But since last sunday when we went to church i've had this feeling that i know that becoming closer to the Lord and building our relationship with him will solve everything. I love the Lord and know that he loves me but i need to get closer with him. Maybe the Lord wanted brice and I to have our time to play and have fun with our freinds first and maybe this whole ordeal has happened to bring brice and i closer. that's all i can think for now. it keeps my spritis up and keeps my sanity normal. So until next time i write God bless!

a day with some useful info

today was a good day, while i was at work a girl that i know was in and she and her husband have been trying to get pregnant for 8 yrs! It really puts me in my place 3 yrs isn't so bad it could be a lot worse. but anyways, she has done a.i about 6 times and got pregnant once and lost her baby at 7 weeks. she decided that it wasn't gonna be the route for them so they went into invetro and got pregnant with twins and lost them at like 6 months i think? already had the baby beds put together and the baby shower was that weekend. it was an awful story. so after all that happened she and her husband decided to try again and she had 3 tries left and it took her second try to get pregnant but shes about 10 weeks now. i was so happy for her. so i got to asking her about the process of invetro and how bad it really was. she said she did have to give herself shots once a day for like 2 wks but she said that the needles were tiny and that she hated shots! so for her to do it wasn't really that bad. that was good news, not looking forward to that. but she really told me a lot that i didn't know like why they want you on lupron which is an awful drug, the dr.s don't want you to have a cycle and then they give you a drug that makes you produce a lot of eggs. that's just it, how do i know how many eggs i already produce what if that's the problem? but anyways, our conversation was good and helpful to me. she gave me her dr.'s card so maybe i'll look him up. other than that not a lot of baby talk which was nice, sometimes it is what my day is filled with. i know that people are just asking cause they care. i really have some great friends that care for us. God bless them

before i start writing about why i started a blog, i want to share who brice and i are. brice and i met years ago i knew as soon as i saw him he was for me. he was the cutiest cowboy i had ever seen i knew i had to have him. our relationship has had it's up and downs but at the end of all our trials we have been married for 5 yrs in oct. it has been an awsome 5 yrs and i know that he is my best friend now and will be in the next 50 yrs. we like to ride four wheelers, fish, watch movies hang out with our friends, go dancing. we have a lot in common. we have such a great life he works at a feedyard and i'm a hairdresser. but as great as our life is we are missing a little one in our family picture. i know that we both would be great parents we have so much love to give . we have been through a lot i have endometreosis pretty bad i have had 2 surgries and the last one they took my right ovary and tube, but the dr. said that everything looked really good and had no doubts that we wouldn't get pregnant. so 3 yrs after trying i'm starting to have doubts. brice and i have a good relationship with the Lord, it could be better but we know in our hearts that he has a awesome plan for us and we will be parents no matter how it happens. i have noticed how many people have problems getting pregnant now that it has happened to us. it's sad and i'm just wanting to reach out for someone that needs to listen to someone elses fertility problems cause it helps me out a lot to know that i'm not the only one with the same problems. so i'm writing so i can vent my thoughts and express how i'm feeling at the moment. i'm a writer i like to write down my feelings so i'm gonna give this a shot and see how well it works for me. will write again soon. God bless